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Picard looked at the image of Earth on his view screen. “We’re home, Number One,” he said, smiling slightly. “That view never gets old, does it?” Riker smiled: “No, it doesn’t. I remember seeing it in those legendary Artemis images first in school. Imagine being an early 21st century astronaut, looking back at the Earth like that.” Data turned from the helm: “The first images taken of the Earth from space came from the late 20th century moon missions, Commander.” Riker nodded

The credits rolled as This Time with Alan Partridge came to an end. Alan pulled off his microphone and shouted: “Lynn! Lynn! Lynn!” Lynn came out of the wings and said: “Yes, Alan?” He smiled: “Another amazing show! That Belfast woman with her pet axolotl was televisual gold!” Lynn smiled nervously: “As long as she finds it safe and well behind the sofa. You did drop it from quite a height, Alan.” He shrugged: “What’s on the agenda tomorrow?” Lynn looked at her tablet: “Well,

Al couldn’t believe his eyes. “Dad, why do you have a fish stapled to your beanie hat?” he asked. Bert grinned: “Not just a fish, my lad, a Cornish sardine…” Al shrugged: “Why do you have a Cornish sardine stapled to your hat?” Bert replied: “Tourists, thousands of ‘em…” Al shrugged again: “Nope, still gave no idea. How will putting sardines on your hat attract thousands of tourists to Portwenn?” Bert tapped his nose: “Not real sardines. Pictures of ‘em to spread the word abo

Victor glared at Pippa. “It’s all the noise and disruption! We’ve had two vans blocking the cul de sac for hours now, and I can’t hear Gardener’s Question Time above the inane chatter about EastEnders…,” he said, barely pausing for breath. “Then, there was the unfortunate incident with the wheelbarrow and Mrs Warboys. She was traumatised by falling in it and it careering off down the close like that. They simply shouldn’t have left it where they did…” Pippa sighed: “Well, the

Philomena Cunk looked blankly at Professor Brian Cox. “You’ve just told me the world’s going to end but you’re smiling. What’s wrong with you, Brian Cox?” she asked. Professor Cox laughed: “It’s a long time in the future. Neither of us will see it happen.” Cunk shrugged: “You don’t know that. They’re making amazing scientific discoveries all the time, aren’t they?” “Yeees,” Professor Cox replied, hesitantly. “They could find some AI-powered bot we could all get downloaded int

Lance looked at Andy in despair. “This metal detector doesn’t power itself, does it? And how we generate our power has a massive impact on the planet, doesn’t it?” he said. He looked out over the rolling green fields and hedges and into the blue sky: “We’ve got to protect all this, haven’t we?” Andy nodded in agreement. “It’s just that £50,000 is a big investment. I know you won the lottery and you have the money, but what about saving for your old age? What about all the oth

David Brent sighed and patted down the lapels of his suit jacket. Another day in Mega Electronics and just a few days before Black Friday. He stared into the camera: “It’s always busy this time of year, with people buying new TVs and PS5s and food mixers before Christmas. But we’re always ready in this store. “We’re like one big organism, one big animal, yeah? The guys upstairs in the office on the phone, they're the mouth. The guys down here on the sales floor, the han

Jackie put the jumper in her basket and thought: “Adam will love this. Now, where do I find the baby clothes for my new grandchildren?” She caught sight of herself beaming with pride in the nearby mirror…then saw a familiar face behind her. “Hello Jackie. You look nice,” Jim said. Taken aback, Jackie turned to her neighbour and replied: “Oh, hello Jim. Fancy seeing you here…” “Fancy seeing me here…” he said. After an awkward silence, Jackie said: “Doing a spot of Christmas sh

How Miranda met Mango: a retail romantic comedy Miranda stumbled through the front door of her joke shop, pulled herself up and grinned at Stevie. “Oops! Nearly fell into the whoopie cushions!” Stevie smiled back, grabbed her cardboard cutout of Heather Small, and started to sing… “What have you done today, to make you feel prooooooud?” Miranda said: “Good morning, then?” Stevie nodded: “Sold 25 light-up Santas to Mr Brown, the manager of the local care home.”

Nadia stormed out of the house meeting and slammed the door. “I cannot believe that Laszlo!” she said, baring her vampire teeth. “I come in with some fantastic ideas about running the vampire theme park we’re building in England, and he just huffed and said he was leaving it all to some piece of fruit!” She transformed into a bat and flew out of the window. “I need some space away from my husband!” she shouted as she left. Colin Robinson opened the door, left the room, and sh

Simon Casey put the file down on the desk and looked at the school secretary. “Come on, Liz, we all know you really run things in Summerdown Comprehensive. How many of these health and safety inspection firms do I really need to fill in and file? I don’t believe I need to do ten of each!” Liz grinned: “I’m sorry, Simon, but each head of department, each deputy head, the head, myself, and the LEA all need a copy. I appreciate it’s a lot of work, but I know that a man of your t

Margot pulled on her rubber gloves and started to separate the recycling. Barbara peered over the fence. “You have a lot of plastic recycling there, Margot,” she said. Margot nodded. “Yes, far too much. Some of it can go back to Fortnum and Mason for recycling, but I watched that David Attenborough series recently and even I’m worried about the amount of plastic in our seas,” Margot replied. “I’ve a mind to write to Fortnum’s Chairman to ask him to do something urgently about

Wolfie Smith adjusted his beret and pulled on his coat. “Shirl! I’m off to my meeting…” he shouted. Shirley emerged from the kitchen. “Our Flo said she’d meet you there,” Shirley replied. Wolfie groaned. “How many times do I have to tell her? The Tooting Popular Front is not the forum for her little recycling project. We have a revolution to plan!” Shirley sighed. “Saving the planet is hardly a little recycling project, Wolfie. Besides, she’s your granddaughter. That apple di

Gladys Pugh leaned into the microphone and breathed: “Hello campers. Hi de hi!” All around the Maplin’s campsite the reply rang out: “Ho de ho!” Gladys tapped the microphone and said: “Today, our entertainment will begin after lunch as our entertainment staff are undertaking important training to keep you safe. “Please join us at the pool at 2.30pm for the knobbliest knees competition hosted by our own Ted Bovis followed by the children’s swimming club gala, then a poolside e

Santa Scott hissed at his son, Charlie: “Stay down, son. I’ve used up all of my magic trying to find a Mrs Christmas because of the second Santa clause, and Toy Santa has already tied us up once. We need the element of surprise…” The elf army was hidden behind carts, in doorways and windows, and some were even camouflaged in the snow. Scott whispered: “Snowballs ready. On my command…NOW!” The elf army led by Bernard sprang into action, throwing the snowballs at Toy Sant

Captain Janeway walked to the replicator. “Coffee. Strong. Black,” she ordered. The replicator delivered a steaming mug of hot coffee. Janeway sipped at it and winced. The door alarm rang. “Come in,” she replied. Commander Chakotay walked into the Ready Room. “Captain, good morning,” he said, noticing the coffee mug in her hand. “It is now!” Janeway answered. Chakotay smiled. He knew better than to bother the captain before her first coffee of the day. “Morning repo

Kirk sighed and switched off the holographic display in front of him. He punched the keys on a communicator. “Engineering, where is Mr Scott?” A voice answered. “Here, Captain…” Kirk sighed again. “Do we have the dilithium crystals?” Scott paused. “We do not, Captain, and I can’t repair the engine without them. We only have impulse power. We won’t be able to achieve warp speed.” Kirk shook his head. There was always something, always a hitch somewhere in the logis

The toys were holding hands. “This is the end of us,” Woody thought. “All the resources that went into making us. All the plastic not being recycled but about to be burned in the incinerator.” Buzz looked at him. “You are my friend to infinity and beyond, Woody,” he said. Woody smiled and gazed at Jessie. “We don’t have long now,” Woody thought. “We’ll be incinerated along with tonnes of waste from companies in the city, lots of it plastic like us that could be recycled and r

Slinky Dog sighed. “Gee howdy bob! It’s just one thing after another, Buzz. First, you and Woody got left behind when Andy moved house, now Woody’s been kidnapped by a toy collector and we have to rescue him.” Buzz glared at Slinky. “We got home the first time, didn’t we? We weren’t going to be thrown away in the plastic rubbish!” Slinky nodded. “You did, Buzz. But how do we rescue Woody now. And does he even want to be rescued? These toy collectors treat their toys really we

Woody shook his head. “Who does that guy think he is?” he whispered, glaring at Buzz Lightyear. “He’s just so…PLASTIC!” Bo Peep laughed....