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The Queen turned on her heel and glared at Lord Melchett. “What do you mean you haven’t organised a surprise festival for my birthday, Melchett? “You organise a surprise festival for me for every birthday!” she shouted, hands on her hips. Lord Melchett shook and said: “But, your majesty, you told me you’d chop my head off if I did it again this year!” The Queen snorted: “Well, I’ll bally well chop your head off now if you DON’T!” Nursey nodded and went back to her k

Fleabag looked at her sister’s terrible haircut and looked back at the camera. “Hair is everything,” she said. Claire sniffled on the park bench. “Come on,” Fleabag said. “We’re going to see Anthony…” **** In the salon, Anthony looked at the picture in Claire’s hand. “So this is what you brought me and this is what I gave you…isn’t it?” he said. “Yes, Anthony,” Claire and Fleabag said together. Defeated. Outside, Fleabag looked to camera. “He always does th

Cathy glared at Michelle. “Well, if you feel like that, Michelle, you won’t want to come to the luxury spa with us this weekend!” she snapped. Beth rolled her eyes. “Come on, Cathy, there’s no need for that!” Cathy humphed and said: “Colin and I are thinking of buying the spa franchise so we thought we’d try it out ourselves first. “I suppose it would be good to get your view on it Michelle, as a potential customer. It’s pointless asking Beth what she thinks!” Bet

Compro stood outside the cafe, leaning against a wall. Foggy and Clegg walked towards the door. “You go in there at your peril,” Compo said, with a knowing nod. “Sid and Ivy are at each other’s throats again. I fear for his safety, and ours, if we go in there.” Clegg looked startled. “I’m gasping for my mid-morning tea and one of Ivy’s toasted tea cakes,” he said. “I’m not sure I can last until dinner time.” Foggy huffed. “We’ve seen it a hundred times before. It’s hardly new

Audrey sighed and looked out of the window over the rolling fields of the Grantleigh Estate. “Richard, we’ve been married long enough for me to know that there’s something on your mind,” she said. ‘Richard DeVere, you’re up to something,” she thought. She smiled at him and picked up her cup of morning coffee. “The coffee hasn’t been the same since Brabinger left us, has it?” she asked. Richard shook his head. “No, it hasn’t. He is sorely missed.” Audrey nodded. “Out with it,

Gladys Pugh leaned into the microphone and breathed: “Hello campers. Hi de hi!” All around the Maplin’s campsite the reply rang out: “Ho de ho!” Gladys tapped the microphone and said: “Today, our entertainment will begin after lunch as our entertainment staff are undertaking important training to keep you safe. “Please join us at the pool at 2.30pm for the knobbliest knees competition hosted by our own Ted Bovis followed by the children’s swimming club gala, then a poolside e

Santa Scott hissed at his son, Charlie: “Stay down, son. I’ve used up all of my magic trying to find a Mrs Christmas because of the second Santa clause, and Toy Santa has already tied us up once. We need the element of surprise…” The elf army was hidden behind carts, in doorways and windows, and some were even camouflaged in the snow. Scott whispered: “Snowballs ready. On my command…NOW!” The elf army led by Bernard sprang into action, throwing the snowballs at Toy Sant

Steve Finch pointed the camera at his smiling family. Well, all smiling except his teenage daughter Madison who was scowling and had spent the last hour refusing to put on her matching Christmas sweater with a huge snowman’s nose. “We failed miserably last year, so this year’s Christmas card has to be really special!” he shouted. Last year had been a nightmare. Trying to take the picture then being upstaged by Buddy’s ‘reindeer’ drawn sleigh. Ending up in a frozen lake

Captain Janeway walked to the replicator. “Coffee. Strong. Black,” she ordered. The replicator delivered a steaming mug of hot coffee. Janeway sipped at it and winced. The door alarm rang. “Come in,” she replied. Commander Chakotay walked into the Ready Room. “Captain, good morning,” he said, noticing the coffee mug in her hand. “It is now!” Janeway answered. Chakotay smiled. He knew better than to bother the captain before her first coffee of the day. “Morning repo

Kirk sighed and switched off the holographic display in front of him. He punched the keys on a communicator. “Engineering, where is Mr Scott?” A voice answered. “Here, Captain…” Kirk sighed again. “Do we have the dilithium crystals?” Scott paused. “We do not, Captain, and I can’t repair the engine without them. We only have impulse power. We won’t be able to achieve warp speed.” Kirk shook his head. There was always something, always a hitch somewhere in the logis

Marcus looked up at the sign over Sasha’s new restaurant, Judy’s. “I can’t believe you named this place after my mother!” Sasha smiled. “The menu features the recipes she taught me as a kid, too,” Sasha said. “She taught me everything and without her, I wouldn’t have become a chef or had a string of restaurants. I owe her so much.” Marcus hugged her and said: “Thank you.” Sasha laughed. “Without her, I wouldn’t have you, either. At last!” Marcus smiled. “How long will we spen

“Toula!” Toula jumped when she heard her father’s shout. “Papa, what’s wrong? Have you run out of Windex?” Gus Portokalos looked up from the newspaper at his daughter. He couldn’t work out if she was really concerned or just teasing him. “Hmm! I never run out of Windex, Toula, you should know that!” Gus brought up a spray bottle from under the table and sprayed her hand. “I’ll get rid of whatever that is on your thumb…” He sprayed her before she could pull her hand away. Toul

Remy pushed the chopped vegetables into a hot pan and heard them sizzle in the olive oil. Linguini smiled. Another perfect pan of ratatouille thanks to Remy’s recipe, he thought. “Come on, I’m doing the cooking, Colette is out looking for the best ingredients in Paris, and none of us can deal with any more paperwork!” Remy said. Linguini nodded. “I know, I know! And you’re a rat, so keeping up with paperwork and writing isn’t your forte.” Remy sniggered: “The only paperwork w

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