When Red Dwarf met Mango - a match made in space…

Kryten threw down the spanner and sighed.

“There’s never enough time to do the repairs we need when I have all this extra paperwork to do,” he said, shaking his head.

“Space-worthiness certificates, proof of pilot training, proof of manual handling training, cargo manifests…”

The Cat smiled: “Why do we need to do all that paperwork? There’s no one left to check up on us! It’s just, you, me, Lister…”

Kryten sighed: “And Rimmer.”

“Ah!” The Cat said. “Rimmer. He’s making you adhere to all those old Earth health and safety regulations, isn’t he?”

Kryten replied: “Well, yes, but it’s also in my programming. Besides, we still need those regulations to help keep us well and healthy on board Red Dwarf, don’t we? We can’t cut corners where your life and Lister’s life are concerned.”

“Even if you’re an android, Rimmer’s a hologram, and I still have six of my nine lives left!” The Cat said.

Kryten went on: “The local authorities may also do spot checks at any time, and I’m working towards ISOs in environmental management and health and safety management.”

Rimmer walked into the cargo bay, the metallic H on his head glowing in the light from Kryten’s torch.

“I think I have the answer to your problems, Kryten,” he said.

“It’s Earth compliance software from the 21st century. It stores all your important documents in the cloud so you can access them wherever you are, so there’s no more need for local copies on whatever device you’ve planned to use but have now left in the galley.

“Plus, you don’t have to keep asking Holly to retrieve information for you.”

Holly the computer nodded on her screen: “Good. I’m playing chess right now with another computer called Hal and I need all my memory for that. It keeps calling me Dave, though. Weird.”

Kryten asked: “How do I get this software uploaded to my systems?”

“Mango,” Rimmer replied.

Kryten scratched his metal head: “Do you want me to eat it? You know what happened the last time I tried food…took three days to get it out of my circuits!”

Rimmer shook his head: “No, that’s the name of the software. Mango. Just open your jack port and attach this lead to my laptop.”

The Cat laughed: “I thought it was cocktail time! Mango daiquiri is my speciality…”

Rimmer grimaced: “I remember. Want to know what a hologram hangover feels like? Like someone taking your brain cells out one my one and dunking them in boiling water.”

Kryten attached the lead and uploaded the program: “It gives us an audit trail, too, which would have been useful when we were stopped by those android spacecraft inspectors near Betelgeuse.”

Rimmer said: “I told Lister there were all sorts of rules for space freight. He wouldn’t listen! Kept saying it was only a cargo bay full of simulant hitchhikers on their way to a stag weekend.”

The Cat laughed again: “That huge DollarPound fine felt pretty official! It’s a good thing the androids of the Jupiter Mining Corporation automatically paid it, even if Lister’s pay will be docked for the next 576 years…”

• Find out how Mango’s online compliance software could help your freight business. Book a free demonstration which will be delivered via Zoom. We can help you with a Martyn’s Law assessment, too. Call Penarth Management on 029 2070 3328 or email info@penarth.co.uk

• Need information on Martyn’s Law? Take a look at the programme of free seminars from our sister company The Protect Alliance: Home | The Protect Alliance (UK)